Spring Dew (springdew) wrote,
Spring Dew

Angst and wangst

Barring any really radical changes, like severe mental illness, I will always, for the rest of my life, be falling in love with people. I will always be acquiring lovers and friends++. That's just the way I'm wired.

My relationships are fluid and blur into each other and change from one thing to another. I can be in love with a "just a" friend or be in a sexual relationship with someone I don't love and don't consider a friend. Feelings and relationships don't always match in a logical way.

Part of my fucked up upbringing is that I don't have a good pattern for friendship. They're all lovers, betrayers, or both. I aspire to one day have close friends I can somewhat trust that I don't have romantic or sexual feelings about, but it's not the highest priority at the moment.

I do have body image issues. I do have a great deal of emotional difficulty trying on clothes, and avoid it as much as possible. If I try something on and it's just a little too big, I will buy it. This keeps me from having to try on a smaller one and possibly having it be too small. Clothes that are too small are a huge blow to my self image. Especially when they're pants that can't get past the thigh, even though the waist is plainly too large. For this reason, nearly all my skirts and pants are too big.

I may or may not be suffering from early menopause. I get the cold-hots, mood swings, and wildly unpredictable, yet unusually suppressed, libido. My menstruation is erratic.

I think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am looking at my friends and seeing them age at different rates and I realize I'm at the time of my life when the pattern of my own aging is getting set. I want to be the vital woman, not the decrepit woman. The recent sudden escalation in my joint pain scares me. The sudden degradation of my quality of sleep alarms me. I am quietly freaking right out.

Related, I am no closer to my next career than I was when I perceived it. That freaks me right the hell out too. Getting close to a decade here. I feel as though I am accomplishing nothing.

My job is eating my soul.

I hate where I live and want badly to live elsewhere. Immediately if not sooner.

I am reaching a stage of my life where I seriously need extended family and a sense of community. I've tried to forge it here with like-minded friends, with varying levels of success at varying times. But people move away and they flake out, and I feel close to no one. As much as I shock myself to say it, if Sean but would go to Mississippi too, I would move there for this reason.

At war with that is my natural urge toward nomadic life. I don't know how to fully reconcile these.

I am an inherently happy person who is prone to depression.

I don't handle confusion well.
Tags: polyamory, psychology, recovery
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