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Dear exes and ohs ...

June 14th, 2006 (11:29 pm)

I've been re-evaluating a lot of things in my life, and realized that I shouldn't leave certain things just dangling.


Dear Alan Collier,
I loved you very, very much, and I hope you knew that. I still love the boy you were. I have grown so far away from the girl I was, and I suspect you're a much different man today. I wonder who he is.

Dear Alton King,
I sure hope you grew up and straightened yourself out. I think I did, for the most part. Our boy is coming up on eighteen next month. Part of me has never forgiven you. How small of me. I loved and hated you. I didn't know myself.

Dear J Gleason,
You beautfiul, loving, faithful creature you. I am sorry I fell out of touch. It did my heart good every time I heard of more success in your life. I hope that trend continued. I will always be grateful to you.

Dear Frank Bost,
You made a helluvan impression on me, I do hope you know. I would have married you, in an instant. It's a good thing, though, that we didn't marry. I still didn't know myself, and you avoided the hideous pain you'd have experienced while I went through it.

Dear Jim Benzaleski,
I still think of you when I hear about Scranton. We were so hot together, but I adored you for other reasons too. I don't think I ever said so.

Dear Daniel,
Oh but you hurt me so. To this day, the echoes of your leaving taint every love. That scar runs deep and cold, and I was never able to love so selflessly again.

Dear John Chacona,
I am very sorry for the part I played in our disastrous end. I didn't know myself, and you caught some of the fallout from that. Sure, the stalking and domination were what finally scared me off entirely, but I wasn't completely blameless. I hope your life's been happier since.

Dear Stewart Galeziewski,
I sure as hell wished I'd met you before you'd met her. Then again, I was only just beginning to know myself, and there was still stuff to go through. I loved you.

Dear Dave Comley,
I wish you could have seen you as I saw you. I loved you madly. I wish we could have met at a time when I understood myself more fully, but I'm not sure that would have helped so much. I still tell the toilet story. Thank you.

Dear Wally Abrams,
You almost had it right. I almost had it right. If only we could have done it without cheating. If only we had never decieved anyone, and certainly not each other. If only, if only.

Dear Robin Silverhand,
You almost had it right. You had the concept, but you still practiced deception, and you weren't honorable enough to let me know when you'd tired of me. I still owe you for giving me the key to understanding my own heart, for which I am forever grateful. I hope you are happy.

Dear Zach, Jane, and Trish,
I loved you all hotly. Something that wild cannot last, I guess. Jane, I fell for you hard - very, very, hard. It broke my heart when you vanished. I could not be consoled. I think of you often, and still ache.

Dear Dataman,
I sent you a letter today. Look out for it. We still have something, if you want.

Dear John Brown,
My relationship with you was probably the strangest I ever had. What an ass backwards way of winding up loving somebody. We were a completely incompatible mismatched pair of people. We made alright fuckbuddies and good friends, but you'd have to be both blind and mentally incapacitated to think we'd work out as lovers or spouses. The last I heard from you, you seemed very happy. That made me very happy.

Dear Jeff Brown,
I don't quite know what to say. I am grateful and resentful. You brought out the best in me as well as the worst. I feel so betrayed, but I learned so much. Be well.

Many of the rest I'm still in touch with. Be assured that I still love you. Yes, this means you. Some of you I hate, too, but that's far fewer than you'd think.

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